INT. BRUNCH RESTAURANT

AIMEE, a woman in her late 20s, arrives at a table where her friends BECKY and CLARISSA are having brunch.

AIMEE

Sorry I’m late! I was with the new boy and I think this one could be serious.

BECKY

Ooooh so he hasn’t seen you without makeup yet?

AIMEE

Of course not! I don’t want to scare him off. I hide the granny panties too.

BECKY

I wore SPANX all the time when I started dating Todd. Actually, I still do.

CLARISSA

I wear a push-up bra to bed and paint on cleavage every morning. Dave still thinks I’m as perky as I was in college.

BECKY

Todd still thinks I like his music. I’ve had to learn all the lyrics to his favorite songs AND become the backup bass player for his favorite band.

AIMEE

You learned how to play the bass and joined his favorite band just so he’d think you like his music? 

BECKY

Yep.

AIMEE

That’s brilliant!

CLARISSA

Dave and I have been together for two years, and he still thinks I’m a natural blonde.

AIMEE

How did you do that?

CLARISSA

I always dye my landing strip too.

AIMEE

That’s so smart!

BECKY

I once laughed at the same joke for four months. But it turned out Todd got a concussion during frisbee and there was some serious brain damage.

AIMEE

When I got plastic surgery, I made my parents get it too so I could say it was natural. My sister refused and now I tell people she’s adopted.

CLARISSA

Well you’d have to.

AIMEE

Of course.   

BECKY

I haven’t pooped in six years.

They are all silent.

AIMEE

You mean, you don’t poop in the apartment when Todd’s there?

BECKY

No, I mean I haven’t pooped at all.

AIMEE

For six years?

BECKY

That’s right. It started back in college when I’d go over to his place and just hold it in. And I just never found the right time to start pooping again. I don’t want to scare him off…

AIMEE

Ok, but don’t you think that’s a little extreme? I mean, wearing makeup and learning the bass is one thing, but not pooping for six years? Isn’t that a little too much just to not scare a guy off?

CLARISSA

NO! Don’t you remember our college friend… Danielle?

AIMEE and BECKY bow their heads. CLARISSA stands.

CLARISSA

Danielle and Chad: The Golden Couple. Every day they were staring into each other’s eyes, putting food into each other’s mouths, instagramming each other’s latte foam. Five nights a week, the whole dorm can hear them climax at the same time. Their love was inspirational. And then what happened?

BECKY wipes a tear from her eye.

CLARISSA

On the three month anniversary of their 17th date, Danielle… Danielle… farted.

BECKY sobs. AIMEE comforts her.

CLARISSA

It was not her fault! The barista accidentally put cream in her latte instead of almond milk and she was lactose intolerant! She tried to explain, but it was too late. Chad ran out of that Starbucks-slash-campus-bookstore screaming. A month later he was dating Megan, who had had her asshole sewn shut for art or something. They both later died in a tragic gas leak explosion. But the REAL tragedy, is that Danielle –sweet, beautiful Danielle– lost the love of her life. She’s now married to… (Clarissa chokes back tears) a finance guy!

The women all break down sobbing. AIMEE puts her arms around her friends.

AIMEE

I will never poop again.

The women raise their mimosas.

AIMEE/BECKY/CLARISSA

To love!

Blackout